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Colour Me Mentally Ill Blog

Colour Me Mentally Ill is the personal blog I created last year. The aim of this blog was to share my story with people like me, people that struggle with mental illness and physical difficulties. 

Will you love both of us?

Everyday when I wake up, I have to know everything about the day ahead because if I don’t, my anxiety tells me that I shouldn’t get up. I am always afraid of the unknown because my brain tells me that I have to be in charge of everything that is going to happen and have a plan, if said plan doesn’t go to plan, my brain goes into meltdown.

It’s necessary for me to know in advance what I am going to have for breakfast, lunch and dinner the next few days, I have to think about the most detailed details like which blacks socks I’m going to wear.

I have no idea when this madness started but it has gotten slightly worse since I had kids, because now I have to control their day too.

It’s like if I don’t plan everything something catastrophic will happen like, if I don’t check the door 3 times before I leave the house I will for sure will get robbed, I have to check that my car is parked outside every 2/3 hours during the night because if I don’t someone might take it or the most ridiculous one is when I have to check the menu online, before hand if I am going to eat out or if we decide to eat out somewhere while we are in town, I have to check it while we are on go otherwise I won’t even go in the place.

It’s that sense of doom that I cannot control sometimes and most times I don’t even realise I am doing so.

There are times where I just don’t think about it and just do it and if something bad happens as a consequence of that compulsive behaviour, I will go into to deep depression and I feel like the worst fucking person in the world.

I am learning now to control this behaviour by writing a plan for the day and alternatives if my original plan doesn’t go to plan so that my brain feels like it’s in control. There’s days where I feel confident, happy and bubbly and the next I am so fucking miserable and wanting to die because my brain tells me that I am a piece of shit.

In the past I had struggled to maintain relationships, platonic and otherwise, I never knew when I could bring the crazy from under the rug that I swept before they noticed.

I always made sure that I showed the side of me that was always the girl that took care of herself, put make up on and wore nice clothes, the girl that was confident, flirty and funny. The side that I thought was more likeable and more appealing to everyone, the girl that wasn’t mentally ill.

I honestly thought I was going to be alone for the rest of my life, until one day I met the love of my life, my now husband.

At first I just thought that nothing would ever happen because my brain kept telling that as soon as he found out the crazy under the rug he would run away like hell and I would never see him again like some many had done in the past.

We met 10 years ago and we hit it off instantly, he was as weird as me and I loved/love that about him. All these years have passed and we still have something to talk about and we make each other laugh all the time. He is my rock and the most supportive person ever.

When all the others left he stayed by my side through thick and thin. Through the crazy and the mad!

Honestly, I am the hardest person to live with.

Keep fighting the good fight, there is someone for everyone. You are a gem and those are hard to find.

I am the living proof of that.

Even though my brain still tries to trick me into thinking that he couldn’t possible love the both of us, my heart tells me that he will.

Monster, I loved you

It’s not my shame to carry.

                   

**warning, triggers**

I can’t get you out of my head and out of my life. The more I try to forget you and your actions towards me, the more your ugly face keeps appearing in my dreams where you are no longer welcome.

I thought monsters were only to be found when you are little, under the bed but I found you when I was 13 instead. From that moment, you must have realised that I was very naive therefore an easy target, as you called me beautiful on the first day we met. You told me that I was the most pretty girl that you’d ever seen and that you wanted me.

In my head, I thought that I’d made a friend as those were rare at that time in my life. You were lovely and kind and you wanted to be part of my life when no one else wanted to, to me you became my obsession and my everything. I couldn’t stop thinking about you, night and day I would dream of us holding hands like in those hallmark movies that they always show on a matinée and us walking off to the sunset.

Little did I know, that your intentions were much darker than my teenage dreams. You told what I wanted to hear and gave me the sweet attention you knew I deeply craved. I didn’t know that you had a hidden agenda when you stroked my face gently. I loved your caress and how softly you spoke and whispered in my ear all the loving things that I wanted to hear. To everyone else, you were the most sweet and likeable person they’d ever known. Your plan to fool everyone was working and I would soon find out that my word would become nothing compared to yours.

You took advantage of my naivity and innocence, I didn’t know what ‘IT’ was exactly, apart from what the other kids would talk about at school during break time. Most kids my age would probably seen it on TV late at night when they sneeked out of their bedrooms while the grown ups slept.

You told me that I was your everything and you promised that you would protect me against everything that was bad in the world. I was younger than you and you knew what you were doing. You should have been stronger than me.

When you took me to our private place, it felt like our little secret club where no one else was allowed but us. At the time I only wanted you as I thought I was madly in love. You told me if I love you, I needed to show you. The way that you told me to show you wasn’t the way that I wanted to but you got angry and forced me to show you anyway. Down on my knees, begging for you to stop and pleading to no avail.

Your mask, the real you, this monster, took over and I saw your look suddenly change. Never have I ever seen someone change so rapidly ever in my life. Your strength took over me and your voice started to echo and becoming more and more distant. All these questions swimming in my head, why me? Is this real love? Do we have to do these things to show people that we love them?

Suddenly something came over me and I screamed repeatedly NO as loud as I could and ran as fast as my legs could cope. I was so confused as to what had just happened. I felt so embarrassed and didn’t know how to process what I was feeling. I couldn’t face you or hear your name at all, my anxiety would go through the roof and my depression took over but then at the same time I missed you and your attention.

I couldn’t sleep, eat and I wouldn’t go to school. I cried for days, wondering what I’d done wrong and if I should go and apologise for my behaviour. I had it in my head that I’d over reacted and that I should’ve just complied and carried on as normal. As days went by, I couldn’t cope without seeing you and I went looking for you, found you with your mates. You came to me and kissed me on the cheek like nothing had happened. You made me so confused as to what to expect from love that I just did whatever you told me to do and that’s when things started to go too far. I didn’t want to lose my innocence and you wanted to forcefully take it, it was like a tug of war. I was so heartbroken and numb that I just wanted to die.

It was after I shared my story with a friend that I realised what exactly had happened and that it wasn’t my fault. It took me years to realised that I wasn’t the monster in this story but it was you, and the worst kind.

I have forgiven you for the pain and heartache but I will never forget how small you made me feel.

As for you monster? I Loved you.

I will never sing again

⚠️Trigger warning, Self harming and suicide initiation. ⚠️

“I told you I was trouble, you know that I’m no good.” -Amy Winehouse, You know I’m no good.

I once met Amy in a pub in Camden and I remember her having a cig hanging out of her mouth while playing snooker. Honestly I had never met or heard a character full of life with an infectious laugh ever in my life, she was singing along to Aretha as loud as she could. Remember watching her perform to a small crown in Leeds in a small jazz bar a year or so later, she was so shy but as soon as the champagne started to roll and she started to sing just WOW. Then I remembered where I had met her before as she started to laugh and telling us shit dad jokes.

I instantly recognised that laugh. It’s really a shame that she is no longer in this world but I hope that her legacy will carry on.

Yes I love rock and metal but I can appreciate strong and independent ladies with a good set of pipes that sing in other music genres.

When I was a child I used to watch all those shitty talent shows on TV like Stars in their eyes kids, I used to love that show, I used to sing along to it like it was me on TV, pretend to look at the “camera” and do the air grabbing gesture. How I loved Eurovision! I dreamed about representing my home country and having everyone applauding my singing and getting a standing ovation.

When most of the other kids at school liked all the pop boy bands but I was into all rock, metal and punk stuff and the occasional old music like 30’s/40’s jazz and blues. I guess I just like music in general but I listen to rock and metal 85% of the time. Oh and Lady Gaga, what a lady! And I was definatly obsessed with Avril Lavigne when she broke through at some point too because I could definatly relate to her songs.

I used to pretend that I was in a music videos and sing to the “camera” ( the TV was the camera) and playing air guitar.

I always loved to sing but something awful happened to me 20+ years ago and I never sang or tried to sing in public ever again.

The one time that I had the courage to participate in a school talent show I was ridiculed by everyone including my teachers. I have always been the quite anxious girl in the back of the class and couldn’t bare having the attention on me without me having a meltdown and to run to the toilet to hide so that no one could see me cry.

One day, one of my music teachers encouraged me to participate in the school talent show because she kept telling me that I was really good and had a good singing voice. She kept telling me that the songs that I wrote were amazing that I should share it with everyone.

We practiced and practiced after school and I was getting more confident and I was happy, she wrote the melody and it sounded very good, I thought. I had this amazing idea to make my own outfit that would go with what I was singing about.

The day came and my turn to take it to the stage came, I got called and I got up there and there was just silence, I was petrified and my legs were shaking with fear. All I heard from the front row were these mean girls sniggering and laughing, commenting on my outfit that I had spent 3 weeks hand sewing it together after school for that performance, the same outfit that I was so proud of because I had made it.

I felt my chest pounding as I was raging with anger, I tried to ignore it but when i grabbed the microphone, I choked and couldn’t get my words out. I tried again but everyone started to point and laugh as loud as they could, even my teachers were laughing and the same music teacher that spent at least 3 weeks building my confidence just crushed me and made my heart break in a million pieces at that moment I honestly wanted to die, after all I just wanted was to sing and show my worth.

I was so humiliated that I ran away and went to hide in the bathroom, once I composed myself I went to my locker and got all my shit together and went home. I remember taking all my mums strong painkillers and I was hoping to die, I took whatever was sharp to hand to my arm and felt the sharp cut and the pain was showing me that I was human and felt pain, why was I feeling so numb ? How could the person that I trusted with my heart could humiliate me like that.

That was the day that made me never sing ever again, I can still hear their distorted laughs in my head when I start to the sing on my own. I can’t remember what the song was even about but I remember the pain and anguish that moment caused me.

I wrote so many songs in a diary in the hope that one day I would find my voice again but one day I had a huge meltdown and burned it all.

I beg of you, please be nice even if you don’t like someone’s singing/talent for whatever reason. You never know how your reaction is going to affect that person’s life.

Don’t be a dick .

Suicidality

Suicidality

                   

⚠ Possible trigger warning ⚠

It is about time that I wrote about suicide. That word makes a lot of people uncomfortable but I guess that is it, we as a society just go back into our little bubble as soon as someone says that word. It’s not like if we say that word three times to someone they will decide to kill themselves there and then, it does not work that way! Talking about suicide is scary as fuck and I get that but think about it this way, drawing suicidality into the open could be one of the things that can protect people.

In my experience I found that it’s worse keeping it a secret from everyone and when I nearly went through with it and my failed attempts at my most desperate times and thought that I couldn’t cope with the pain anymore. I would urge anyone that is feeling this way inclined to please speak to family, friends, a partner, your doctor.

It is fucking horrible telling people that you feel suicidal and yes some people might over react as soon as you say the word suicide but keeping it a secret it just gives that feeling more power and you need to take that power back! If you feel like you are at a crisis point and your intent is high please text Samaritans on 116 123 (UK) or the NHS Helpline on 07786209697 (UK) right away because these guys are awesome and if you are in a different part of the world please find the equivalent to your home country. If you had broken a limb you would call an ambulance right? Your mental health isn’t any different. Professional help is self help.

I think it’s time to make a change, let’s help people by talking about our experiences with suicidal ideation and suicidal intent.

Just to be clear, suicidal ideation is when you are thinking of suicide and suicidal intent is when you actually plan to commit said act. I have been in both ends of the suicidality spectrum, the lower end of the spectrum which is the ideation and the high end of the intent, being on the high end of the spectrum is fucking scary. The first time I was at the lower end of the spectrum I was just aged 8, I was being bullied so badly that I thought I couldn’t cope, I was so lonely and having chronic pain it made me go higher on the spectrum, right up to the high end. I remember it like it was yesterday, I got up this building that was being built, when one was there I climbed up the scaffolding as I high as I could and I just jumped of it but all I got was a scraped knee and a few bruises.It took me a while to realise what I had done and my first thought was, shit my mum is going to be pissed off that my clothes are ruined.

There has been times that depression was sky high and I had suicidal thoughts, I have been very desperate in the past and had many failed attempts but I do think that I did something stupid? No! I was ill! I just didn’t know that I was ill and kept my suffering quite because I didn’t want to be a burden to the favourite people in my life.

Throughout my life, I have struggled with suicidality ideation in many different ways and I didn’t have a clue as to why when things got tough, I thought I couldn’t cope and I thought that I wasn’t good enough for this world until I got diagnosed with Chronic depression. Suicidality that comes from depression fucking sucks ass! So many times that my douchebag of a brain was telling that there wasn’t another way and that I would feel like shit forever and everyone hated me and I was better off dead. Nowadays, because I understand that I have a mental illness, I have found different coping mechanisms to keep my depression at bay. One thing that helps when I feel anhedonic, is to have a little rubber band on my wrist and when I feel my mood/depression plummet to the point of numbness, I literally snap myself out of it, that method replaced the feeling of self harming. It sounded silly when that got suggest to me but that simple technique has saved my life when I absolutely felt like nothing and felt nothing.It is very difficult and that is true but its like that old saying : Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary situation.

What can you do if someone tells you that they are thinking about suicide? I think it all comes down to the level of the severity of the suicidality of that person, it can be so fucking difficult to make a general statement because every person is different but what has helped me in the past when I seeked help was when I had nothing that I could use to kill myself, whatever the means were (pills and knives) were my main triggers. I found it like it was when an addict goes to rehab, out of sight out of mind kind of approach. If they can’t ring the suicide hotline/ambulance, might be of great help if you could do it for them but trying to be calm and ask exactly what that person’s intentions were and that can help you evaluate the situation.

It can be difficult to accept that your loved one is suffering and they are thinking of suicide but being there for them can help massively. What can we do to spread the word?We need to remind people that it is okay to feel shitty and all those fucking horrid feelings of hopelessness will go away. We need to make other people comfortable talking about how they are feeling, I am not saying shouting from the rooftops and getting a megaphone out but let people know that it’s okay not to be okay. Maybe we can do it old school, some people might be really uncomfortable talking about their feelings so openly, so why not create an email address where people can email you if they are struggling? Here is mine www.allthethingscatsays@gmail.com. You can always go a little modern and every now and again, let someone that you know that might be struggling if they want to chat, they can send you a direct message. If you think that is just too personal for you, that’s cool too. Sometimes just inviting a mate that has been feeling shitty, for a coffee and a chin wag does wonders!

My self therapy is going to rock and metal gigs, that way I can get lost in the music and head bang my troubles away. I know my depression will come again but next time I am ready for battle because I know how my enemy works and I know its weakness!

Having people that aren’t going to judge you when you feel your worst, is the best feeling in the world and it has given you 1 more reason to live.Just remember that after a storm a rainbow shines in the sky.

From Zero to Sixty

⚠️ Drug and alcohol Abuse⚠️

The day that I started to have beer for breakfast, I knew something wasn’t right and I had to change.

A can and a cigarette were my first thoughts, one morning my pocket was still full of pills that I had forgotten to take the night previous because I’d passed out as I was too wasted.

My nose is still bloody from last night’s binge, I realised that it all became a common routine at parties and social gatherings.

I hated that I would become paranoid but to others I was the life of the party.

I would get invited to the most bizarre parties but there’s this party that I remember vividly and it took place at a gentleman’s house, I will not mention names because this person is well-known in the horse racing world.

Just a little background …

Many moons ago, I used to work as an events manager for a catering agency. We worked at many horse racing events all over the country from the small racecourses in idyllic villages in Yorkshire to the biggest ones in the UK, the ones that her Majesty the Queen would come visit and wave at strangers then go for posh scones, expensive cheese and crackers with a side of sherry.

Anyways…

I have met many sporting legends and celebrities after being at their disposal whenever they wanted feeding and watering.

After a day of racing, there was a lot of entertainment being offered by the guests themselves.

One of those occasions was at a house of a moderately famous sports personality, I was asked by himself if I would work at a private party with my team and I said yes. I got offered 2k for 4 hours work, I said yes and sorted a last minute contract, he signed and paid.

Jobs a gun’un, right?

A few hours after my first shift at the racecourse, I got a taxi to the private function that I was going to be working at. This was very common as I was working as ‘freelance’ too.

A very beautiful victorian mansion with a long driveway that went for at least a couple of miles, I get there and there are lots of expensive cars parked outside and I instantly thought “ergh another 4 hrs of working for some fucking posh twats”.

So…

I was told what I needed to do and just cracked on with it all serving drinks followed by a 4 course dinner and coffee to finish, easiest 2 grand ever.

Before I left I was told if I wanted to stay for the entertainment I could, I went to get changed and I had decided to stay for a little while until I waited for my taxi to take me back to my hotel.

Little did I know that the entertainment were strippers and dudes in gimp suits, the environment changed like night and day, it was so fucking weird but I felt akward as fuck to just leave so I kind of stayed for a little to see what the fuck was going to happen.

Drinks were flowing…

I am no stranger to weird house parties but that one was memorable, there were drugs being passed around like candy and booze on tap. Felt like I was at Jay-Z’s birthday party.

These kind of parties became quite the norm for when I did some private events, so crazy that we had to sign disclosures stating that we would never say anything about anything that we heard or saw. I sometimes wondered if I was working for some kind of mafia and I didn’t know.

These people paid well to receive good hospitality, no dodgy propositions and I needed the cash.

And then there was the student crazy house parties that were full of cheap drugs,cigs from some dodgy guy at the pub and copious amounts of apple sourz as we do body shots.

Doing line after line of cocaine, smoking weed and downing pitchers solo.

The buzz and adrenaline was amazing and electrifying but little did I know that for that to carry on, I had to pay a high price.

I worked all the hours given to me to pay for my social life.

I thought that I was being badass and that everyone wanted to be with me or be me but inside I was still the anxious little girl and very much broken. I went from zero to 60, from being all naive and innocent to getting involved with some dodgy characters.

One day, I was just sick and tired of the same old same and the paranoia that drugs caused on a daily basis, it really affected my physical and mental state.

I thought that I needed to do drugs and get wasted to be relatable and liked within my social circle and it turned out that the issue wasn’t me but said ”friends”.

I got my act together and just cut those people off from my life.

Nowadays I feel so much better for it.

Please get rid of people that aren’t good for your mental health. I did and I am much happier now.

It’s not just noise, It’s self therapy…

I love music. I love dancing…badly. This makes me happy and being happy makes my anxiety and depression fuck off for a while.

I love music and the louder the better, my favourite genres are rock and metal. I love the rock and metal community and I have met mates for life. I have met so many people from all walks of life and of all ages through this community, it’s been unbelievable. I have to say ‘thank you’ to a lot of the people that I currently interact with on a daily basis in this community, that have supported me through this journey that I am going through at the moment.

After speaking to a lot of the people in the community, I have found that we all have a few things in common such like mental health issues and the love for rock and metal. Music speaks to me in a deeper way than anything/anyone else could, the lyrics and the melody that I get lost in, the guitar riffs and the sound of the drumms. I love air drumming… it sounds silly I know but, have you never done that in front of the mirror when you were a kid? or used your hairbrush as a microphone?

I love rock and metal festivals and gigs. To go watch my favourite artists and bands perform, its an amazing feeling! I feel so close to those I admire and to sing those songs out loud that have helped me through some shitty times in my life it’s so liberating. Even if you go to a gig on our own, you immediately are in the middle of people that have at least 1 thing in common with you, the love for that band/artist. This is part of my self therapy, I have accepted that my anxiety might never go away, that my depression might never ever fuck off and that all those mental illnesses might stay with me until the day I die but if I try to do things that make me happy then it’s all worthwhile right?

 

As I get older, I am learning how to deal with my mental health issues in a way that works for me, if I feel like I need medication to help me cope then I will take it. There’s no shame in taking medication for your mental health issues, you would take pain killers for a headache right? Why is mental health any different?? We go to the ER/A&E if we are physically injured so why should mental health be any different?

When I am not at gigs/festivals, I am listening to music on my phone while I am doing stuff at home or when I am not listening to music, I am having good streaming binge! I love watching documentaries about real life and the out of the ordinary. I also love super hero movies and colouring too! I have a few adult colouring books, I find it so relaxing! And taking a small break from life too by once a year, I trying to go back to the beach and go for a swim, the sound of waves and the smell of the sea, it makes me happy and relaxed. When I was a kid, we used to go to the beach once in a while and I remember it being bliss. It reminds me of good times and not having any worries! Just wonky sand castles and water up my nose!

Since I was a child, music became a big part of my life. I was an MTV kid, I watched music videos and cartoons more than anything else, I was a loner as a child and didn’t have many friends so the TV was my best friend in a way. I got introduced to rock music when I first watched a Queen concert on TV and I fell in love with Freddy Mercury’s voice and flamboyance. That man didn’t give a shit what other people thought and just did his own thing without a care in the world and you could see that passion in his voice and his talent was just incredible. I’d never seen anything like it before!

Growing up I started to listen to more heavier bands such as Slayer and Anthrax, I absolutely loved their music videos. I would turn the volume up as it went and it drove my mum crazy!! I loved the live footage and I dreamed that one day I would be amongst that crowd, jumping around and having a good time.

One day the Nu Metal such Limp Bizkit, Korn and Linkin Park was born and I was blown away because it was all the different genres that I liked mixed together! I think I went to my first rock and metal festival in 2003 and I was blown away by how you could just walk around being silly and no one paid no mind to you. The loud music and the crown enjoying themselves to the sound of their favourite bands.

 

At my school if you liked rock and metal , you were considered a ‘misfit’ and to be fair I was okay with that because I never felt like I fit in any social circle. I wasn’t metal enough to hang with the moshers and I wasn’t pop/punk enough to hang out with the skater punks, until I met group of people that was a mix of all of that and much more. I finally had made friends but all was to end because I moved really far away from everyone and its been 17 years and I haven’t seen any of those people.

So how does music and mental health mash together?

Simple, for me music helps me deal with my emotions and in my opinion a good sad song is good to bring your tears up and to make you feel something when you are feeling numb, because that is what depression makes you feel or not feel, that heavy song that makes you scream and release that frustration inside that builds up inside of you or the funky song that makes you dance like silly and brings joy and hapiness. I can honestly say there’s been many times in the past where I wanted to end it all and I was feeling so low that I would suddenly remember a song that I like, a song that meant a lot to me and that made me think through what I was doing or about to do.

To me music isn’t just noise, it’s self therapy.

I can honestly say that rock and roll, saved my soul.

 

                                   

Fake Happy

” You don’t look depressed, you are so smiley”

“There are people starving in this country and you say that you are depressed when you have a house, a car, your own family and a partner ? You are so selfish! Fuck you”

“I think you are lying when you say you have social anxiety because you are going to gigs all the time”

“You don’t look anxious, you always look so happy and chatty”

“For fuck sake just go for a walk or something and cheer up!”

“Things can’t be that bad if you are out and about?”

Fuck in hell, I could carry on! Theses are just a snippet of the things I get told on a daily basis by people that don’t really understand mental illness, you just wouldn’t tell someone with a broken leg to just walk it off? That would be just a shitty thing to say and stupid to say the least.

Look, it’s not my fault that I have a chemical imbalancement in my brain alright? Because if it was, I’d make sure that I would take care of it straight way because feeling like a piece of shit everyday fucking sucks. Feeling like my mind is trying to trick me at every given opportunity is not fun.

Since I started to chat to people that feel like I do, it’s been helping a lot. I used to think that I was all those horrible things people told me I was. I used to pretend that I didn’t care what people thought of me and just smile and try to ignore ignorant comments from people that didnt really knew me or the real me for that matter but it’s fucking difficult. I felt like a burden to my family and friends, my way of thinking was always like “they have their own shit to deal with so I won’t bother them with mine, mine isn’t that important, I am not that important to them so what the point?”. I was so wrong, my depression and anxiety kept ‘telling’ me that I was a piece of shit and I believed it! I would believe it before I believed those people that actually love and care for me.

It’s hard work to wake up in the morning and have to put on your ‘happy face ‘ so that you don’t damp other people’s day because that is what you feel like you are going to do!

I have small kids, I have to put on the ‘happy mummy’ face more times than I can count for but nowadays I try to take 5/10 min to have a little cry or to call a friend when my mood starts to decline to the the point where I can’t hide it even from my kids. They aren’t daft and they always know when mummy isn’t feeling well but I try my best to not show it because it would upset them because they love me and what better reason do I need to take good care of myself? I try to be a good mum but sometimes I feel like I am not doing a good job, specially when I start to listen to that ‘fucker in my ear’ when it says that the reason my non verbal autistic kid is having a meltdown is because I didn’t figure out what he wants and needs and as his mum ‘I should just know’. I know now that it isn’t true because my non verbal autistic kid is happy most of the time and he is healthy otherwise.

I hope that he will know much I try everyday, even when I have to be ‘fake happy’. In that picture, my son had a meltdown 2 minutes before we took that because he couldn’t go in to the soft play area with his toy, this bigish windmill toy because he could’ve hurt someone by accident. He is mentally impaired so he didn’t understand why he couldn’t so he kicked and screamed so loud and other people started to look and judge because I couldn’t make him stop and I got very anxious because of the looks I got that day. I was desperate to make him happy again and I started to tickle him and I got him to laugh and I took a selfie to distract him from what was going on. I look all smiley for my sons sake but I was so anxious. I had to put on my ‘smiley mum mask’ even though I was feeling like shit inside.

It’s such hard work having to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your little ones, so much so when they have special needs. My son needs 24/7 care and attention because of his issues, it’s very exhausting but rewarding at the same time because him and his sister keep me going and push me to be a better person.

I am trying every single day to take the good things about my life and embrace them as much as I can. I am worthy of the good things in life and so are you.

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